'Hello,xxxxx cycles. Andy speaking . Can I help you?'
And he did. I would love to tell you the name of the shop and give you Andy's number. He's the kind of bloke every woman should have on speed dial, even if you are normally of a mindset to deny, even in its rare moment of need,a bream,a bike. But I don't want to land him in trouble.
Sunny Sunday morning and the cycle ride my friend Gill and I are planning is under threat from a flat tyre and useless pump. So our call to Andy concerns garage forecourt air pumps. Is it a case of 4 wheels good, 2 wheels bad or is it the answer to our problem ?
With men, when you know you are going to suggest something that doesn't quite fit with how they see the world working, it seems to help lull them into a false sense of all being exactly as they would expect it to be, before knocking them into a universe they suspected existed but never wanted to glimpse let alone enter. So although our actual question is 'Can you use forecourt airpumps to inflate cycle tyres?', my opening gambit, to establish shared world credentials, is to do with car tyres. I.e 'my car tyre pressure being about 30 - is it right that my cycle tyre pressure would be about 50-75?'
This is the point at which I know we are now about to inhabit different logical planes but as we are still speaking the same language we can continue the conversation with neither of us as yet having to wobble the TV aerial on each others'heads to check which planet we are receiving.
My received feed is that you would expect pressure on a bike tyre to be much less than on a car tyre. Andy's received wisdom is undoubtedly based on actually understanding the concept of tyre pressure. So I know that he will thinking the facts are correct but there is something,somehow not quite right here ( plus asking himself how come it's always him who answers the phone to the nutters and time wasters?). However as we are still in the XY territory of facts I can tell he feels safe in confirming that this is the case. He then pauses and in that pause is wondering if at this point in proceedings the theory behind the facts will be a help or hinderance. However this gives me my chance to get in the 'So if...' question. It's the 'So if...' question which will be the turning point in the conversation. This is a whole new world and yes, its as mad and bad as the duet ever was. My 'So if...' is therefore 'to get my bike tyre pumped and to the correct pressure ,all I need to do is put 60 into the garage pump and job done?'
At this point Andy is quick to recover and bring the methodology back into known territory.
'No because it's not designed for bikes...different to car tyres...pumps air too fast...etc.' And then realising that actually this is no time for technical, resorts to using the words big and bang.
Silence at my end. For a moment I can tell Andy thinks that he has successfully brought to an end any inappropriate use of air pumps but a long and very disappointed 'oh' on my part followed by another long silence and he bows under pressure.
'OK...unofficially...if you were to do in short bursts and be really careful it should be alright.'
Back at the garage tyres inflated and puffed with pride at having succeeded Gill and I are about to cycle off when a woman drives up and asks us if we know how the air pump works. We look at each other. Know how it works?...'Yes we do'... 'Brilliant' she replies and drags a large but deflated paddling pool out of her car. 'Do you think it would be OK to use it to inflate this...
'Hello, is that Andy ? Andy....So if.....'
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